3 Reasons I Chose to Stay

By Kristen Walker Smith

I can still remember the moment I pulled my minivan into the left turn lane to get into the Target parking lot. A huge semi-truck approached from the opposite direction and a thought flashed into my mind: “I wish so much that that truck would hit me.” 

It had been almost six years since my struggle with mental illness had begun and I was just so tired. 

Tired of feeling hopeless. 

Tired of feeling afraid.

Tired of feeling like I was failing my kids and husband. 

Tired of feeling like everyone would be better off without me. 

I was just so tired. 

At that moment it would have been easy to pull in front of the semi-truck. On other days it would have been easy to follow through with my daydreams to run away so my family could be happy. So how and why did I choose to stay? 

There were three things that made all the difference. 

Hope

Elder Holland, who has so often reached my soul with his well-spoken words, talked of a moment of personal desolation. Looking back through the span of years of experience he gave some advice to his younger self: “Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. . . It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.” (Source)

Even though I could not see a single bright day ahead, I trusted that God could see them and that—though it might take years—those better days would come.

Viewing my mental illness through the lens of hope for better days gave me the power to stay. 

Purpose

For the first five years of my battle with mental illness, I couldn’t see a reason for it—I had done nothing wrong to deserve this punishment and nothing good seemed to be coming out of it. So why did I have to suffer so much? 

One day, as I stood holding my sleeping baby girl in my arms, I rocked her gently back and forth while I read my scriptures. As I read, I came across the words of Paul in 2 Corinthians 12 and it was as if a light had been turned on in the darkest corner of my soul. It didn’t fill me with light, but it was a light. It was something. 

Paul spoke of his personal “thorn in the flesh”—a trial he could not overcome. He begged the Lord to remove this trial from his life. 

But the Lord told Paul, “​​My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” Or in other words, “When you are weak you can feel My strength most powerfully.” In response to these words from the Lord, Paul said, “Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” (Source)

Paul’s words struck a chord within me. I realized how very right he was. I was—emotionally and mentally—as weak as I’d ever been. I had absolutely nothing. And so I spent my days searching for and relying on God as I had never done. I realized that, in the few years of my mental illness, my relationship with Christ had grown leaps and bounds. In that moment I began to feel as Paul did—I gloried in my infirmities because, when I was at my weakest, I became the strongest in my testimony of Christ. 

Viewing my mental illness through the lens of eternal progression gave me the power to stay. 

Gratitude

In my quest for healing from mental illness, I read dozens of self-help books, hoping to find the one that would magically “fix” my brain.

Unfortunately, none of them could heal or fix me entirely, but a single sentence in one of those books changed my feelings forever. 

As I sat, alone and frustrated, I read these words: “Make a list of the blessings that are coming into your life because of your mental illness.”

I was floored. 

And then I got angry. 

This author had no idea what it was really like to have a mental illness. She didn’t see the shell of my former self that I had become. She had no idea!

I sat on the couch and stewed and stewed. 

And then I got curious. Could I think of one single blessing? 

I decided to try. 

I pulled out a piece of paper and started to write. And write. And write. By the time I was done I had dozens of blessings listed on this sheet of paper I had been sure would stay blank forever. 

I hadn’t realized it, but my trial had introduced brand new blessings into my life—blessings that couldn’t have come without it. And I began to feel something I had never felt before: thankful for my trial. 

It didn’t change everything, but it created a subtle and important shift inside. I no longer felt victimized or frustrated because it was no longer a race to the finish so I could finally be happy. I knew I could find small pockets of happiness in each day by focusing on my newfound blessings. 

Viewing my mental illness through the lens of gratitude gave me the power to stay. 

Choosing to stay isn’t easy. Choosing to live a life that seems full of suffering and struggle isn’t easy. 

But let me tell you one thing I learned in all the years of my mental illness struggle: God is being as gentle with you as He can while still allowing you to become who He needs you to become. 

And who you are becoming is more marvelous than you could ever imagine.

Choose to stay.

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