Holding Fast to Goodness

By Rachelle Allan
@rachellechronicles

At the beginning of the pandemic, I started experiencing what I came to realize as my first ever anxiety attacks. I couldn’t breathe. A weight sat on my chest, threatening to crush my heart and lungs. I tried to push it away. Tried desperately to take hold of whatever made up the mass and break free from it. All the worry, fear and unknown built around the pandemic built up inside me with increasing pressure. I worried about finding toilet paper when our stock ran out. I worried about finding Tylenol and enough food. I started rationing my own food so that we wouldn’t run out for our kids. I worried about my husband, an essential healthcare worker. And then I worried about school. And home church. Was I capable of teaching my kids all they needed to learn academically? And spiritually?

Eventually, I got the hang of all my new roles. We developed a new normal. We slowed down the pace of life. I actually came to love that time.

Once the restrictions were lifted and we could go back to normal life, the weight came back. Threatening to crush me all over again. Because our new routines wouldn’t cut it anymore. We were expected to get back to doing all the things we did before.

We moved to a new town around that same time. I also opened a small business. I had a whole new set of responsibilities. The weight seemed tied to everything I did. The kids. The new house and yard to manage. The new business. New calling. New friends and neighbors to become acquainted with. My marriage. My creative passions. All relationships. Even the one with God. I felt like I was drowning in the pressure. I couldn’t see the shoreline. I could barely see the lighthouse, even though I knew it was there. I knew the Lord could lead me out of it all. I just wasn’t sure how to access Him. Because I tried. And it would help. For a brief moment. And then the weight came back.

Those attacks have subsided now. It’s been about a year since I felt one. I’ve come a long way in one year. I didn’t realize how far I’d come until I found a journal entry from that time. I was heartbroken for my past self. And I started wondering how I was ever able to get out of that place.

The thing that saved me the most was something that I thought was my biggest struggle of all.

I got pregnant with our fourth baby and my pregnancy was…hard. All my other pregnancies were a piece of cake in comparison. That pregnancy was a huge catalyst for change. I was in constant survival mode. I had to let a lot of things go. I literally could only manage the basics. And one of the basics I realized I could not live without was turning to the Lord. My pregnancy symptoms were more manageable once I read my scriptures and prayed. Those were my lifelines. I also went off social media and closed down my small business temporarily. I focused more on the relationships with my family.

As I evaluated what goodness I really wanted to keep in my life, I realized some good things were too much for me. I had to let them go. They were still good. Plenty of valiant and faithful people still participate in them. But for me, in this season, they were not the better part. That better part looks different for everyone. You cannot compare yours with your neighbor’s or your best friend’s or your husband’s. Just like we all have different body types and different metabolic needs, every spirit has different spiritual needs. It’s not a one size fits all. What’s important is that the better part you choose for your life comes from the direction of the spirit.

We cram so much good into our lives every day. But are we really holding fast to the goodness of the Good Shepherd and His good news? Everyone’s definition of “good” is different. But who gets to be the expert on good? Only One. The Good Shepherd. And if you let Him, He’ll lead you down the best path to eternal life for YOU. Maybe it’s focusing on your family. Maybe it’s serving in the community or in the temple. Maybe it’s launching a business. Maybe it’s none of those things. But the good you do, and the goodness you bring is something no one else can. The Good Shepherd needs your goodness to further His work. And to feed His sheep.

Will you take His hand? Will you let Him lead you along? It won’t always be a stroll in the park. Life is meant to be a challenge. But as Elder Jeffrey R. Holland once noted, “because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so.”

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