Christ Wasn’t Codependent: How to Love Thy Neighbor and Thyself

by Hannah Larsen

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth.” (Moroni 7:46)

Charity is a long sought-after attribute among all disciples of Jesus Christ. The prophet Mormon teaches a powerful sermon on this topic in the Book of Mormon, and the motto of the Relief Society echoes the same sentiment.

Charity, as defined in the Book of Mormon, is the pure love of Christ (Moroni 7:47). This principle encompasses responding to the needs of others with sincere concern and noble intentions, sometimes at one’s own expense. Certainly, “Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of Heaven,” but is there a point at which selflessness can actually be detrimental? Is charitable giving enhanced by our own exhaustion and self-denial?

Not always.

Please do not misunderstand, service and generosity are essential aspects of the gospel of Jesus Christ, as well as integral components of charity. But there can be a tendency—especially among the women of the Church—to view this call to charity as an appeal to martyrdom; some may misconstrue this Christlike concept of service and perceive self-sacrifice as being superior to self-love. Is this correct? What exactly did the Savior mean, when He said to “love thy neighbor as thyself”? (Mark 12:31)

This self-abnegating mindset, as holy and altruistic as it may seem (and often is), can actually be detrimental to an individual’s self-esteem. Obsessing over the needs of others—especially if through your service you fail to meet your own needs—can lead to a relationship style known as codependency. Codependency can manifest as constant people-pleasing, desires to control another’s mood or behavior, unhealthy boundaries, or obtaining value based on the appraisals of others. This relationship style is typically viewed in romantic relationships, but can be seen in any relationship where an individual fails to be self-sufficient. Codependency is tricky because it masquerades as selflessness and Christlike goodness, but in reality can be more harmful than helpful. It is a sneaky lie that says, “If I just serve enough and give enough and sacrifice enough, I’ll surely be closer to the Savior and feel happier.” Unfortunately, this is not often the case.

As a recovering codependent myself, I hope to impart the wisdom I’ve gathered from my own experiences and from our great exemplar, Jesus Christ, and His ever generous but never codependent nature.

Prioritize Self-Care

If you’ve fallen victim to the codependent lie, it may be difficult to prioritize your own needs. After all, codependency thrives on the idea that everyone else needs to be situated and satisfied before even considering thinking about yourself. A warped sense of personal fulfillment is attained when you’re running entirely on fumes but still find the strength to give someone the dregs of your energy. This kind of service, as deceptively satisfying as it may seem, is unhealthy. Your needs matter, and it is important that you take time to reenergize.

Christ demonstrated this principle in the New Testament. Luke 5 recounts the story of a leper who approaches the Savior, and through the leper’s faith and the Savior’s power, is healed. The fame of this miracle spreads quickly, and soon multitudes gather to be healed of their own sicknesses. After attending to the sick and afflicted, “[Jesus] withdrew himself into the wilderness, and prayed.” (Luke 5:16)

Christ was the Master Healer and was constantly using His gift to bless others. At the same time, Jesus expertly navigated the balance between “people” and “alone time.” While still serving and loving those He was with, He also took time to be still and commune with God. In order to overcome codependent tendencies, following the Savior’s example and prioritizing self-care is essential. It is admirable to always be giving, but you cannot fill someone else’s cup when yours is empty.

Set Healthy Boundaries

Codependents often go above and beyond what’s necessary in the hope of receiving validation from the recipient of their actions. If this sounds familiar to you, you may have been caught giving more than what was asked for, perhaps even before it was asked! It is admirable and noble to be aware of the needs of others, but it can be unhealthy if giving becomes a compulsion. For that reason, it is important to have healthy boundaries.

Christ was the prototype of selfless giving. After teaching a multitude in Mark 6, Christ didn’t want to send them away hungry; instead He miraculously multiplied the meager portion of the loaves and fishes (see Mark 6:33-46). Notwithstanding, Christ also had healthy boundaries, and wanted His followers to see Him not just as a bread distributor, but as the Bread of Life. As such, after his charitable offering, “He constrained his disciples to get into the ship, and to go to the other side before unto Bethsaida, while he sent away the people.” (Mark 6:45) Christ is our exemplar of generosity, but even He recognized the importance of serving the people when they were ready. Having healthy boundaries allows you be prepared to effectively serve those around you, as well as helps keep codependent tendencies in check.

Value Yourself

Finally, learn to value yourself. Codependents frequently put other’s needs before their own, which is commendable but also not necessarily healthy. If you’ve been acting codependently, you may also find yourself seeking external praise in order to feel accepted and loved. It’s important to remember, however, that the only person who can make you feel valuable is yourself.

Again, Christ is our great exemplar of self-worth. In a confrontation with the Pharisees and Scribes, Christ declares, “I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.” (John 8:12). Christ was never boastful or proud, but he was sure of Himself. He knew who He was, and He didn’t need anyone’s approval to recognize His own divinity. As children of God, we both can and should feel the same. How can we ever fully love our neighbor (Mark 12:31) if we do not first love ourselves?

Codependent tendencies can be difficult to overcome, especially if they’re hiding behind the guise of charity and selflessness. Unhealthy relationship behaviors can be conquered, however, and the Savior is the perfect example of how to so; by being truly charitable. Christ gave freely, but He also knew the importance of His own needs, served others when they were prepared, and was sure of His own divinity. Surely, in all ways we can follow His perfect example.

Christlike generosity is essential to a fulfilling life. Charity for others is important, but just as equally important is having charity for yourself. Only when the pure love of Christ is extended to you as well as to others, will charity never fail.

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