See First Parenting
By Emily Ayars Smith
@emilyayars
emilyayars@gmail.com
One of the scariest sights for me as a child was the look on my dad’s face without his glasses on. It makes me laugh now, but when he wasn’t wearing his glasses he looked irate. He wasn’t angry, he just couldn’t see us. Just as it’s important to have the right prescription to avoid the strain of squinting or scaring our kids, we need to be able to see ourselves clearly for accurate personal inventories to know what improvements we need to make in our lives.
Whenever I want to improve in a certain area, I look for examples in that area so I can do what they do. My friend, Rachel and her husband are amazing parents to five great kids. I too have five kids, so we relate in many areas. Earlier this year I told Rachel that I admired her and I asked her the secret to raising such amazing kids. She gave me this answer: “Oh, they just came to me that way.” That response was so characteristically her; humble, but unhelpful – or so I thought.
I thought about her words for several months. While at the gym, I was trying to herd my three little children into the kids club and as I stood holding the door open I said, “Come on angels.” A woman walked by and seeing my brood, said to me, “You’re doing it right by calling them angels. That’s exactly what they are.” I thought her comment was so kind. I later remembered what Rachel had told me, “They came to me that way,” and I realized that her words were full of wisdom. Because Rachel sees her children as wonderful, she treats them like they are wonderful. Furthermore, she teaches principles to her children that honor what makes them so individually wonderful and unique.
Make Sure You Have The Right Prescription
Raising three toddlers and two tweens has been interesting. They all have different needs and are at different developmental milestones. Regardless of age, I realized that how I parent has everything to do with how I am seeing my children FIRST, and that determines how I treat them.
My 4-year-old, Woody, was hitting his two-year-old brother and I snapped at him, saying, “Don’t be a bully!” Looking back at that moment, I realized my reaction had everything to do with how I was seeing Woody after watching certain behavior progress into a pattern, and mentally, I had labeled him as a bully. I snapped at him harshly because I was coming from a place of fear. I decided that if I wanted him to be kind, I first had to see him as kind, which isn’t a stretch at all.
Woody is the sweetest boy with a very tender and sensitive heart. If I see him as that FIRST, I know that the rough or violent behavior is not him, it’s a costume or a reaction he’s trying on. Maybe he is trying to teach his younger brother a boundary. He may be trying to say, “I’m mad that you took my toy, so I’m going to hit you so that you don’t do it again.” If I already see him as kind, I can teach him how to handle his anger in healthy ways, like punching a pillow or quiet time. I may say, “Woody, because I know you’re kind, I’m going to teach you ways to handle your anger that doesn’t hurt others.”
I can also teach him the kindest way to tell his brother, “I don’t want to share this toy, can we share another one?” or whatever solution we come up with. That was a really important lesson for me. I first needed to make sure I had the right prescription so I could see my kids clearly for who they truly are, before reacting, correcting, or guiding.
The right prescription is seeing the way Jesus Christ sees.
Michelle D. Craig said in her talk Eyes to See, “Jesus Christ sees people deeply. He sees individuals, their needs, and who they can become. Where others saw fishermen, sinners, or publicans, Jesus saw disciples.” If we want our children to become adults with christ-like attributes, we must learn to see our children as Jesus Christ sees and then teach how he taught.
We first must know how to see so that we can parent without fear and blanketed labels. Can you see the wonderful person in front of you first, and then correct them in loving ways as the Savior would? Do you know that they are perfect in Christ and that they came to you that way? I hope to master that quality as my friend, Rachel, has so beautifully. We can be proud of ourselves as mothers, for when we take the time to analyze a reaction that doesn’t line up with who we really are, we are doing it right!
We just needed to adjust our prescription.
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