5 Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage
By Rhonda Steed
In July 2000 I was preparing for my upcoming wedding. As most girls do, I had dreamed of getting married for years. As it became closer we were having fun with all of the preparations. I was working at the local newspaper and my soon-to-be husband was working for a local landscaping business. Our mothers were working on all of the details that we were blissfully unaware of as we just enjoyed being in love. Making dresses, planning receptions and the many details that make up the special day a wedding is.
Just weeks from our wedding day my little sister Kelly was in a car accident. She was airlifted to a bigger city and kept alive on life support until she passed away on August 7th.
My soon-to-be husband and I debated about moving our wedding. Just a couple of years earlier when my husband Regan was on his mission, his oldest brother had also passed away. It was a lot of loss for both of our families in a short amount of time.
After a prayerful decision and discussion with our parents, we kept our date. So on August 11th we held a funeral for Kelly and then on August 18th we were sealed in the Cardston Alberta Temple.
Having those two life-altering events within such a short time is almost indescribable. It was full of heartache and loss at the same time as being full of newness and love. Truly I experienced this verse in 2 Nephi 2:11: “For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one.”
For many years I wondered why God would use this timing. Why would I lose my only sister the same time I gained my eternal companion? In the 21 years since then, I have seen how the loss at the beginning of marriage has strengthened and fortified our connection. Great lessons we learned because of God’s timing.
Things don’t matter near as much as we think they do.
I remember in the weeks before our wedding we had an interview with the Stake President. He was giving us marriage advice about not getting caught up in details. He used an example of how people get out toothpaste differently. That some squish from the bottom and some from the middle. I remember thinking who in the world would get annoyed about that. Having a loss so close to our wedding made things crystal clear about what actually matters in life.
Home life is the perfect spot for testing out all of our worst behaviors. When we live in close contact we see the best and worst of each other all the time. It is always a choice about letting little things get under your skin. When something bothers you ask the question: “Is this more important than my eternal marriage?” If the answer is no, then let it go. Over the years of being married to someone you can focus on their faults and minor inconveniences or you can focus on their goodness and love. It is up to you. One of the greatest blessings to come out of the unusual circumstances surrounding our wedding is the knowledge that so many things don’t matter.
Positive small things can also make a huge difference.
In the first months of our married lives, grief was hanging over me in a heavy cloud. I had lost my little sister in a traumatic way and it affected us. As we made the adjustment to being a married couple I was also going through all of the stages of grief. My husband started doing small things just to make me smile. Reaching out in the middle of the day, writing me notes, listening to my stories of my sister, and reassuring me of my worries. He was constantly doing small things that added up to a strong stable base for whatever else would come.
Make your spouse’s happiness forefront in your mind.
Gordon B Hinckley said it best. “True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one’s companion.” If I look back on the first few years of our marriage I just remember feeling extremely loved. Completely cared for and held. He went above and beyond to help me be happy. And that has carried into our relationship with each other over the years. We both want to make the other happy. It gives us the assurance that no matter what the other chooses, we know our happiness was part of the equation. It gives great comfort and stability and leads to great trust in each other.
Your relationship is the most important one, but it does not exclude other relationships.
Anxious concern for your spouse’s well-being also means you recognize the benefit of other positive relationships in their lives. Your husband can’t be everything for you. Even in a good strong marriage. Having awareness of what you can give to each other and what you can’t is a great benefit to you both. Your spouse is sharing the responsibility of caring for you but knowing that a variety of helpers is in your best interest. Women need women. And that doesn’t mean they don’t need their men, it just means they need women too. This looks like encouraging positive relationships with ministering sisters or extended family. There came a big realization in the weeks after we were first married that I needed more help than just he could give me. And that it was okay.
Families truly are sealed forever.
Experiencing death and marriage within weeks of each other confirmed in both of our minds the complete reality of life after death and the eternal nature of the sealing powers in the temple ceremony. There is great comfort found in that knowledge. If we keep the knowledge of the eternal nature of our marriage in the forefront of our minds, it will help us to treat it differently. “If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by. Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to treat it just that way.” – F. Burton Howard
Sometimes it is hard to understand why God’s timing is what it is. I still have questions about the timing and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else. It was difficult. But I can see the good seeds it planted in the strong foundation of our marriage and it continues to strengthen us 21 years later.
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