Finding the Light Through Covid
By Roxanne Thayne
@roxannethayne
“Life is stupid. Why can’t the Savior just come already?”
That snarky attitude didn’t sound like me. But that’s what ran through my mind as I lay in the crumpled sheets of my Covid-sick bed. No, I wasn’t deathly ill, I was just down with aches, chills and exhaustion. I felt sorry for my sorry self.
I had just finished up a worthless series on Netflix, slept until I had caught up on the deprivation of 25 years of motherhood, and repented for ever having judged people who should “just get out of bed, start moving and you’ll feel better.”
My life was far from stupid and I was well aware.
I was surrounded with a family of great kids, sisters, women at work, friends and ward members. My husband was attentive and sweet in his ministering to me. Unfortunately, because we are both entrepreneurs, we set the speed of our work and that pace is usually too hard and fast for our own good.
During this enforced hiatus, a wise woman, who I use as an accountability partner, observed “When Covid first shut everything down, your life ramped up. Maybe contracting Covid is just the blessing you needed to slow down.”
If that was truly the case, in what ways did my Heavenly Parents hope I would benefit from it? Slowly, my doldrums were replaced with a desire to use this enforced quarantine and being bedfast as the retreat I pined for.
Right there on my pillow-topped, king-sized island, I began to tune in, rather than numb out. Instead of nursing my dark mood, I felt like I was given a beautiful awakening.
Health
For months I had desperately tried to focus on my health . . . again. To feel so awful was a quick way to shine a spotlight on the need to make my health a top priority.
I re-committed to eat like I had when I felt the most confident and strong in my life. I would consume live and nutritious food to fuel my body. I committed to some sort of movement every day, even if it was just a few yoga stretches in bed at that point. I stopped feeling guilty for giving myself a power nap (or two or three) if that’s what my sick or stressed body was crying out for. Finally, I would recognize and ask for help with an over-achievement addiction. I would use that over-developed ability to fill a calendar to schedule some much needed downtime.
Gratitude
Unable to hide the fact that I was down and out (by law I was outed), we called or texted all of the new neighbors that we had just visited to warn them. “Hey there. It was so nice meeting you the other night. Oh, and by the way, you’ve now been exposed. Cancel any plans for the next two weeks and enjoy your quarantine.”
But people responded with kindness. There were calls, texts and gifts of cheer, from bath bombs, to sparkly earrings, to fresh fruit. Co-workers left a dinner on the doorstep that was so big the family ate off of it for days. One woman sent me a list of some of her favorite books, let me choose one and had it shipped to my door. I was touched and humbled and given ideas for how I could serve in the future.
Repentance
That health and gratitude led to sweet repentance. Even in the darkness of 10 days of sickness, a light was shed on my state of being. I wasn’t living my best life. I may have been busy and producing, but I wasn’t connected. I was too busy for my friends, my family, myself, and unfortunately my God.
While I went through the motions of housework, homework, spiritual checklists, and checking in with the people, I wasn’t allowing His light to shine through me. I had let my pride as a modern woman who can-and-should-have-it-all undermine what I wanted most.
I wanted a deep and familiar relationship with my Savior Jesus Christ and my dear Heavenly Parents. I wanted a strong mind and body to serve my fellow travelers with. I wanted the time and energy to create a home where my family and friends could feel His love.
That’s what I wanted. And if I had to get Covid to “get it”, then so be it.
I saw the light and it led me straight back to Him.