4 Better Ways to Mourn With Those That Mourn
By Allie Barnes
@lookslikewandering
One afternoon, after multiple nights of inadequate sleep and clearly heightened emotions, I had a panic attack. I texted my best friend the brief phrase, “I hate panic attacks.”
She quickly responded, “You okay?”
All I really needed in the moment was to know I wasn’t alone. She recognized that, and offered me that reassurance that I wasn’t.
The next day I was willing to elaborate further. I told her what triggered the panic attack. “It’s silly, and logically I can see it was no big deal, but I was just so tired.”
Without missing a beat, she responded, “That’s not silly. It makes perfect sense.” That’s how Kathryn has always been—present, loving, compassionate, and 100% on my side. Even though I still believe that the event that triggered my panic attack was really not a big deal, her validation meant the world to me.
Kathryn also has great boundaries, and isn’t afraid to (lovingly) correct me on a matter when needed. We have both learned to be aware of one another’s emotional capacities—a simple “Is it okay if I share something heavy for a second?” goes a long way.
Kathryn’s is just one of many dear friendships that I’ve learned so much from over the years.
When we are baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we make a number of promises, including “to be called his people, [be] willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; … [be] willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in” (Mosiah 18:8-9).
Christ, our ultimate example, used the phrase “be of good cheer” multiple times as a means of comfort and reassurance (see Matthew 9:2 and Matthew 14:27). As we learn to better “mourn with those that mourn,” we can offer that same comfort and reassurance to others as we act as instruments in God’s hands (Alma 26:3).
Over the years, I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my relationships. It’s taken a lot of prayer, pondering, mindfulness, and self-awareness to realize these mistakes and learn better ways to interact with the people I love. Here are some principles I’ve learned as I’ve sought to better mourn with those that mourn:
- Clarify whether the person needs advice or a listening ear. I’ve been known to slip into “fix it” mode and offer unsolicited advice—something that, when others do it to me, is actually a pet peeve of mine. It can cause unnecessary stress or frustration. Often, people just need a listening ear. Instead of immediately offering advice, practice asking others if they need advice or someone to listen, and practice communicating that when you are reaching out to someone yourself.
- Don’t claim to know exactly what the other person is going through. This is a tricky one, as sharing our own experience can seem like a good way to find common ground and connect with the other person. Doing this, however, can shift the focus onto ourselves—which we do not want to do. A more empathetic response may be “I’m sorry,” or “I can only imagine what you’re going through.” Above all, follow the Spirit. Each situation is different, and the Spirit can guide you to say what that person needs to hear in the moment.
- Don’t invalidate someone’s experience. Years ago, I came home crying and told my roommate about an argument between me and my then-boyfriend. She responded, “Well…he was probably right.” It gutted me. I felt like an idiot. Looking back, I can now see that my grief was completely valid—that particular incident with my boyfriend was just one in a series of red flags, but my roommate didn’t know that. We most likely don’t see the full picture of anyone’s life. I suggest instead responding kindly and compassionately as Kathryn did: “That’s not silly. It makes perfect sense.”
- Keep the conversation private and confidential. This should be a given, but I have heard too many instances of private conversations becoming ward gossip. Privacy builds trust, and trust builds stronger relationships. As Brené Brown has said, “You share with people who earn the right to hear your story.” Be someone who earns the right to hear others’ stories, and surround yourself with people who have earned the same.
When Christ said “be of good cheer,” He offered the same comfort and reassurance we can give to others when we find out how to best support them, validate their feelings, and offer a safe, confidential place to share.
There are surely countless ways to be a good friend and to “mourn with those that mourn.” How do you feel supported by loved ones? What do you need from others (and yourself) when you are struggling? How can you best extend that love and consideration to others?
Allie Barnes is an LDS writer and speaker, and leadership and relationship researcher. She is an editor and regular contributor to the Healthy Humans Project (healthyhumansproject.com). Her book “Not According to Plan” is available on Amazon.
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