Powerful Tech Parenting: Nurturing the Internal Filter

by Emily Madsen Jones

At the age of 15, our oldest son began the serious work of learning how to drive a car. The requirements for obtaining that coveted driver’s license were steep! Perhaps most daunting was the mandatory 40 hours of driving with a parent in the passenger seat. 40 hours! Serious business.

I sat with my boy during a good share of those driving hours. (The claw marks on the passenger-side armrests, I blamed on the dog). I was struck by the thoroughness of the whole driver’s ed process. It was intense, and required our boy to listen, study, and most importantly, put sweaty hands to an actual wheel and practice.

The privilege of commandeering a 1.5 ton hunk of metal hurtling down the freeway at 70 miles-per-hour is a serious responsibility. Insisting upon great driver’s ed is a no-brainer. No parent in their right mind would toss the keys to a freshly minted 16-year-old without some serious training.

Yet, when it comes to the powerful handheld hunks of metal that our children “drive” down the information highway, we parents often find ourselves with less obvious options for stellar training. Initially blind-sighted by the rapid evolution of tech, parents are getting smarter- recognizing that those pocket-sized computers have just as much, if not more potential for convenience AND disaster as the Corolla their teenager might be driving to school every day. The rapid evolution of technology has our parental heads spinning. How can we possibly employ enough filters, enough watch-dog programs, enough parental scrutiny to stem the tide?

We can’t. We must offer something better. And it all begins with what is really in our children’s hearts. Elder David A. Bednar alluded to this approach when he declared,

“The spiritual understanding you and I have been blessed to receive, and which has been confirmed as true in our hearts, simply cannot be given to our children. The tuition of diligence and of learning by study and also by faith must be paid to obtain and personally “own” such knowledge.”

We certainly must employ digital filters and simple rules as we train our children in the wise use of technology. But the ultimate aim, THE most powerful protection from the darker side of technology exists in the nurturing of the mighty internal filter. This innate desire to choose well, in the interest of their own happiness, is really the only filter that will be with our children when they walk out the door away from our oversight. They must want to be wise. They must own it for themselves.

So how is this internal filter nurtured? In the parenting of our five children (four of whom are currently teenagers), my husband and I have been eyewitness to five areas of focus that have proved powerful in our own home.

Provide Great Info; then Listen

This is the “Driver’s Ed” component. Point them to articles, spiritual talks, videos, even research studies on the impact of tech misuse. THEN, ask their opinions. An expressed opinion from your child becomes an owned opinion. Don’t be afraid of making this kind of study a requirement before increased access to technology.

Be Gradual

Take a conservative approach to the granting of technology privileges. Start with a call/text-only phone, granting increased tech access with demonstration of responsibility and maturity. Have a couple of simple family rules (no phones at the dinner table, nightly phone check-in) and then encourage them to prayerfully draw up their own plan as to times when they are going to unplug from the digital world. These personal plans help them own their habits in powerful ways.

Teach Stillness

Carving out stillness in a tech saturated is more than a nice idea, or a sweet side thought. It is crucial. What inspiration might that beautiful child of yours hear in the stillness? Encouraging them to prioritize stillness will connect them to a wellspring of help that no earthly wisdom can duplicate.

Address Mistakes with Hope

Errors will happen. Expect them. When you discover that your child has searched for something inappropriate online, approach them with empathy, directness, and compassion. Express complete confidence in the magnificent life before them and check in with them often. Above all, communicate hope.

Life Vision

Our observations of young people who are doing well with technology uncovers a common thread; these kids are in possession of a powerful vision for their own life. They have dreams about their future families, careers, accomplishments. They want these things fiercely. Ask your child about their hopes and dreams. Help them connect today’s tech choices with tomorrow’s reality.

Parents, there is great hope. We can rise above the fear-based demonization of technology and gradually nurture in our children the capacity to harness it for what it was meant to be used for- the spreading of goodness and light.

David A. Bednar quote reference:“Watching with All Perseverance,” April 2010 General Conference